He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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