Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
