sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
