saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
