I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
