You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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