She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
