Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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