Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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