Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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