I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize