Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
