No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize