Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
