in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
