I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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