I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
