the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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