She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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