hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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