I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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