I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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