He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
