I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
