This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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