i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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