I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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