So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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