Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
