grandma shit on top of the toilet
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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