your parents love me but you hate me
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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