the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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