hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
We named our party play list daddy issues
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
