ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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