life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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