I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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