Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my shit smells like andre
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
