she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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