I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
