I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
