I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
