a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
