ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
