Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
