ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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