The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
