You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
