roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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