we have officially mastered the walk of shame
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
