nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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