i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize