I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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