Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
