I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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