one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You took a bar mat shot.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
