i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
