I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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