he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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