so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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