I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
