his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
