I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
