I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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